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怎么走出日子的低谷期?

admin 2019-11-13 162人围观 ,发现0个评论

古希腊人有一句话:必经苦难,终得才智。在人生的低谷中,作家David Brooks有了许多新的知道。他的TED讲演夸夸其谈充溢才智,许多实例牵动人心。

中英全文(来自TED官网)

So, we all have bad seasons in life. And I had one in 2013. My marriage had just ended, and I was humiliated by that failed commitment. My kids had left home for college or were leaving. I grew up mostly in the conservative movement, but conservatism had changed, so I lost a lot of those friends, too.

人生总会阅历枯季。我的枯季在2013年。我的婚姻破裂了,我失利的婚姻让我感到侮辱。我的孩子们脱离家去上大学了。我在保守派运动中生长,但现在,保守主义变了,因而我失去了不少老朋友。

And so what I did is, I lived alone in an apartment, and I just worked. If you opened the kitchen drawers where there should have been utensils, there were Post-it notes. If you opened the other drawers where there should have been plates, I had envelopes. I had work friends, weekday friends, but I didn't have weekend friends. And so my weekends were these long, howling silences. And I was lonely. And loneliness, unexpectedly, came to me in the form of -- it felt like fear, a burning in my stomach. And it felt a little like drunkenness, just making bad decisions, just fluidity, lack of solidity. And the painful part of that moment was the awareness that the emptiness in my apartment was just reflective of the emptiness in myself, and that I had fallen for some of the lies that our culture tells us.

我能做的仅是独居于公寓中,埋头作业。若你在我家摆开厨具抽屉,你看到会是各种便当贴。你若摆开盘具抽屉,那儿将充溢信封。我有搭档朋友,作业日的友人,但到周末,我又是孤身一人。我的周末是绵长的幽静。我很孤单。孤寂以意想不到的方法击垮了我,它像是一种惊骇,一种胃中的焦灼感。有时又像是醉酒的感觉,我无法作出正确的挑选,全部都趁波逐浪,毫无立足点。最让我苦楚的是,我意识到空空荡荡的公寓仅仅我心里空无的一种外在映射,我被咱们的文明中的大话诈骗。

The first lie is that career success is fulfilling. I've had a fair bit of career success, and I've found that it helps me avoid the shame I would feel if I felt myself a failure, but it hasn't given me any positive good.

榜首条大话是作业成功会让你感到满意。我在作业上是小有成果,它协助我防止那种觉得自己是个废物的挫折感,但它也给不了我任何的正能量。

The second lie is I can make myself happy, that if I just win one more victory, lose 15 pounds, do a little more yoga, I'll get happy. And that's the lie of self-sufficiency. But as anybody on their deathbed will tell you, the things that make people happy is the deep relationships of life, the losing of self-sufficiency.

第二个大话是若我能够再成功一次,我能够让自己变高兴。像是瘦身15磅,做一下瑜伽,我就会变得高兴起来。这是“自给自足”的大话。任何行将离世的人都会跟你说,人生中最愉悦的莫过于各种深沉的友谊,忘掉自给自足的概念。

The third lie is the lie of the meritocracy. The message of the meritocracy is you are what you accomplish. The myth of the meritocracy is you can earn dignity by attaching yourself to prestigious brands. The emotion of the meritocracy is conditional love, you can "earn" your way to love. The anthropology of the meritocracy is you're not a soul to be purified, you're a set of skills to be maximized. And the evil of the meritocracy is that people who've achieved a little more than others are actually worth a little more than others. And so the wages of sin are sin. And my sins were the sins of omission-- not reaching out, failing to show up for my friends, evasion, avoiding conflict.

第三个是关于精英主义的大话。这个主义传递着一个信息:你的成果造就了你。精英主义告知人们,他们能够经过穿戴名牌赢得自负。精英主义是有条件的爱,你能够尽力“挣”到爱。精英主义不会把你看作一个需求被救赎的魂灵,而是技术被最大化使用的技术套装。它最凶恶之处是比别人获得多一点成果的人会被看作更有价值。罪的价值仍是罪恶。而我的罪在于我的忽略,没有自动去交际,没有和友人保持联系,逃避、绕开抵触。

And the weird thing was that as I was falling into the valley -- it was a valley of disconnection -- a lot of other people were doing that, too. And that's sort of the secret to my career; a lot of the things that happen to me are always happening to a lot of other people. I'm a very average person with above average communication skills.

更奇怪的是,当我逐步跌入低谷中时--就与外界失联了--许多人也正阅历着这些。这也算是我作业的隐秘吧,我的人生中发作的事,一般也会发作在其别人身上。我是个普通的人,尽管我的交流才能还行。

And so I was detached. And at the same time, a lot of other people were detached and isolated and fragmented from each other. Thirty-five percent of Americans over 45 are chronically lonely. On怎么走出日子的低谷期?ly eight percent of Americans report having meaningful conversation with their neighbors. Only 32 percent of Americans say they trust their neighbors, and only 18 percent of millennials. The fastest-growing political party is unaffiliated. The fastest-growing religious movement is unaffiliated. Depression rates are rising, mental health problems are rising. The suicide rate has risen 30 percent since 1999. For teen suicides over the last several years, the suicide rate has risen by 70 percent. Forty-five thousand Americans kill themselves every year; 72,000 die from opioid addictions; life expectancy is falling, not rising.

我发作被孤立感的一起,许多人也有同感,感到自己是座孤岛,与别人被拆分隔。百分之三十五45岁以上的美国人长时间感到孤单。只要百分之八的美国人与他们的街坊之间有过深度攀谈。只要百分之三十二的美国人,以及百分之十八的千禧一代说他们信赖他们的街坊。开展最快的政治党派是独立的。扩张得最快的宗教运动也是与其他宗教无相关的。抑郁症份额在上升,心理疾病变得更遍及。自杀率自1999年上升了百分之三十。近几年青少年自杀率上升了百分之七十。每年四万五千美国人死于自杀,七万两千死于鸦片类药品上瘾;平均寿命在变短而不是变长。

So what I mean to tell you, I flew out here to say that we have an economic crisis, we have environmental crisis, we have a political crisis. We also have a social and relational crisis; we're in the valley. We're fragmented from each other, we've got cascades of lies coming out of Washington ... We're in the valley.

所以我今日来到这儿想说的是现在人类面临着经济、环境危机还有政治危机。咱们还阅历着交际与人际关系危机。咱们正处于那个低谷。人际关系四分五裂,而政界也是大话连篇...咱们困在了这个低谷。

And so I've spent the last five years -- how do you get out of a valley? The Greeks used to say, "You suffer your way to wisdom." And from that dark period where I started, I've had a few realizations. The first is, freedom sucks. Economic freedom is OK, political freedom is great, social freedom sucks. The unrooted man is the adrift man. The unrooted man is the unremembered man, because he's uncommitted to things. Freedom is not an ocean you want to swim in, it's a river you want to get across, so you can commit and plant yourself on the other side.

在曩昔的这五年中,我一向在考虑怎么走出这个低谷。古希腊人常说说,“必经苦难,终得才智”。在我人生那段漆黑韶光中,我有了少许知道。榜首,自在糟透了。经济自在还能够,政治自在非常好,交际自在是件坏事。无根之人注定要流浪。无根之人注定会被忘掉,由于他从不会做出许诺。自在不是你可畅游的海洋,而是你需跨过的一条河流,这样你才能够扎根于河彼岸。

The second thing I learned is that when you have one of those bad moments in life, you can either be broken, or you can be broken open. And we all know people who are broken. They've endured some pain or grief, they get smaller, they get angrier, resentful, they lash out. As the saying is, "Pain that is not transformed gets transmitted." But other people are broken open. Suffering's great power is that it's an interruption of life. It reminds you you're not the person you thought you were. The theologian Paul Tillich said what suffering does is it carves through what you thought was the floor of the basement of your soul, and it carves through that, revealing a cavity below, and it carves through that, revealing a cavity below. You realize there are depths of yourself you never anticipated, and only spiritual and relational food will fill those depths. And when you get down there, you get out of the head of the ego and you get into the heart, the desiring heart. The idea that what we really yearn for is longing and love for another, the kind of thing that Louis de Bernires described in his book, "Captain Corelli's Mandolin." He had an old guy talking to his daughter about his relationship with his late wife, and the old guy says, "Love itself is whatever is leftover when being in love is burned away. And this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it. We had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches, we discovered that we are one tree and not two." That's what the heart yearns for.

我学到的第二件事是,当坏事发作在你身上时,你不是被冲击,便是思想被翻开。咱们都知道受过冲击的人。他们忍受着苦楚与哀痛,更加变小,益发嫉恶如仇,打击时势。俗话说,“不被转化的苦楚会被传达”。另一些人的思想会被苦难翻开。苦难的破坏力在于它会打乱正常日子。它会提示你,你与幻想中的自己不一样。神学家保罗提利时说苦难会穿透你以为是你的魂灵最深的当地,显露一个蛀洞,然后再往深处发掘,显露又一个蛀洞。你触及到深度是你从未预料到的,而能添补那深层空无的只要精力粮食和人际关系。当你抵达那深处,你会忘掉自我,触及心灵,充溢渴求的心灵。咱们真实想要的是对别人的爱与怀念,路易德博尼尔在他的书中写过有关的感触。在《柯莱利上尉的曼陀林》中,他写了一个白叟和他女儿倾诉他与逝世的妻子的故事,白叟提到,“爱的实质是酷爱之火烧尽时剩余的全部。这既是一种艺术,也是走运的偶然。你妈妈和我有幸具有它。咱们的根在地底深深环绕,当那些美丽的花瓣从树枝上凋谢时,咱们发现,咱们早已融为一棵大树。”这是咱们心之所求。

The second thing you discover is your soul. Now, I don't ask you to believe in God or not believe in God, but I do ask you to believe that there's a piece of you that has no shape, size, color or weight, but that gives you infinite dignity and value. Rich and successful people don't have more of this than less successful people. Slavery is wrong because it's an obliteration of another soul. Rape is not just an attack on a bunch of physical molecules, it's an attempt to insult another person's soul. And what the soul does is it yearns for righteousness. The heart yearns for fusion with another, the soul yearns for righteousness. And that led to my third realization, which I borrowed from Einstein: "The problem you have is not going to be solved at the level of consciousness on which you created it. You have to expand to a different level of consciousness."

第二件事是你会知道自己的魂灵。我并非要布道,让你去信任天主,但我期望你能够信任你的一部分是无形,无色,无量的,但它能给予你无限的自负和价值。赋有、成功人士并不会比那些没有成功之人多一丝的魂灵。奴隶制之所以是错的是由于它企图扼杀一个魂灵。强奸不仅是对肉体的摧残,更是对一个魂灵的亵渎。魂灵渴求的是正义。心之所求是与另一颗心的交融,而魂灵之所求则是正义。这也让我意识到第三件事,这儿我借用爱因斯坦的话:“用发作问题的思想处理问题是行不通的。你要拓宽思想至新的层次”。

So what do you do? Well, the first thing you do is you throw yourself on your friends and you have deeper conversations that you ever had before. But the second thing you do, you have to go out alone into the wilderness. You go out into that place where there's nobody there to perform, and the ego has nothing to do, and it crumbles, and only then are you capable of being loved. I have a friend who said that when her daughter was born, she realized that she loved her more than evolution required.

那么咱们应该怎么办呢?榜首件事是,让自己全身投入于朋友之间,与他们进行从未有过的深层攀谈。第二件事有些不同,你需求单独融入大天然。你需求去到一个当地,在那儿没有任何人会是你的观众,在这儿你的自负心毫无用处并逐步破坏,只要那时,你才能够被爱。我有一个朋友告知我,当她女儿出世时,她意识到,她爱女儿多过于进化所需。

And I've always loved that.

我太喜爱这句话了。

Because it talks about the peace that's at the deep of ourself, our inexplicable care for one another. And when you touch that spot, you're ready to be rescued. The hard thing about when you're in the valley is that you can't climb out; somebody has to reach in and pull you out. It happened to me. I got, luckily, invited over to a house by a couple named Kathy and David, and they were -- They had a kid in the DC public school, his name's Santi. Santi had a friend who needed a place to stay because his mom had some health issues. And then that kid had a friend and that kid had a friend. When I went to their house six years ago, I walk in the door, there's like 25 around the kitchen table, a whole bunch sleeping downstairs in the basement. I reach out to introduce myself to a kid, and he says, "We don't really shake hands here. We just hug here." And I'm not the huggiest guy on the face of the earth, but I've been going back to that home every Thursday night when I'm in town, and just hugging all those kids. They demand intimacy. They demand that you behave in a way where you're showing all the way up. And they teach you a new way to live, which is the cure for all the ills of our culture which is a way of direct -- really putting relationship first, not just as a word, but as a reality.

由于它叙述的是咱们心里深处的安静,咱们对互相难以言述的关怀。当你触及那个层次,你就能够被救赎了。当你处在低谷中时,最难的事莫过于无法单独爬出这个低洼;有人需求伸出援手,将你拉出。这也发作在了我身上。我有幸被凯茜和大卫配偶邀请去他们家。他们的孩子桑提在华盛顿的公立学校读书。桑提的一个朋友需求找个当地住,由于他的妈妈有些健康问题。而那个朋友也知道个需求协助的朋友,以此类推。当我去到他们家做客时,我走进门,餐桌旁坐着二十五个人,还有一些正在地下室睡着。我正要向一个孩子做毛遂自荐,他说道,“咱们这儿可不怎么走出日子的低谷期?盛行握手,抱一个吧。“我虽不是地球上最喜爱拥抱的人,但有着什么一向吸引着我,在每周四去到他们家时,与这些孩子一个个拥抱问候。他们想与你亲密无间。他们需求你彻底铺开自我。他们教会你一种全新的日子方法,能够治好一切文明之殇,这其实很简单,便是将人际关系放在榜首位,并非空谈,而要实践。

And the beautiful thing is, these communities are everywhere. I started something at the Aspen Institute called "Weave: The Social Fabric." This is our logo here. And we plop into a place and we find weavers anywhere, everywhere. We find people like Asiaha Butler, who grew up in -- who lived in Chicago, in Englewood, in a tough neighborhood. And she was about to move because it was so dangerous, and she looked across the street and she saw two little girls playing in an empty lot with broken bottles, and she turned to her husband and she said, "We're not leaving. We're not going to be just another family that abandon that." And she Googled "volunteer in Englewood," and now she runs R.A.G.E., the big community organization there.

而最夸姣之处便是,这种集体无处不在。我在阿斯彭研讨所建立了“织:社会之网”。这是咱们的标志。咱们发现身边有许多织网者。像是艾依莎巴特勒--她居住在芝加哥的英格伍德,那是一个风险的街区。由于身处风险地段,她正想要搬迁,但她看到路对边,有两个小女子在空停车场里玩碎瓶子。她回头和她老公说,“咱们不搬了。咱们不能像其他家庭那样一走了之,丢下这儿不论。”她立刻查找了“英格伍德自愿者”,现在她办理着“R.A.G.E”,那里最大的社区安排。

Some of these people have had tough valleys. I met a woman named Sarah in Ohio who came home from an antiquing trip and found that her husband had killed himself and their two kids. She now runs a free pharmacy, she volunteers in the community, she helps women cope with violence, she teaches. She told me, "I grew from this experience because I was angry. I was going to fight back against what he tried to do to me by making a difference in the world. See, he didn't kill me. My response to him is, 'Whatever you meant to do to me, screw you, you're not going to do it.'"

许多人都阅历过人生的低谷。我遇见一个叫莎拉的女士,她在一段古玩之旅完毕回家后,发现她老公杀了她的两个孩子后自杀了。她现在办理一所免费药房,在社区里活跃做自愿作业,协助并教其他女人处理暴力事件,“我能从这段阅历里生长,是由于我很愤恨”,她说,“我要反击并经过改动这个国际来向他宣战。他没能杀了我。我想对他说,‘不管你怎样企图损伤我,去你的,你便是不可。'"

These weavers are not living an individualistic life, they're living a relationist life, they have a different set of values. They have moral motivations. They have vocational certitude, they have planted themselves down. I met a guy in Youngstown, Ohio, who just held up a sign in the town square, "Defend Youngstown." They have radical mutuality, and they are geniuses at relationship.

这些织网者都不以本位主义的方法日子,他们注重人际关系,有一套不同的价值观。他们充溢品德活跃性。他们乐意发声,他们和蔼可亲。我曾在俄亥俄州的扬斯敦遇见一个人,他其时在镇中心举着一块牌子,上面写着:“保卫扬斯敦”。他们有着超前的集体感,他们是人际关系方面天才。

There's a woman named Mary Gordon who runs something called Roots of Empathy. And what they do is they take a bunch of kids, an eighth grade class, they put a mom and an infant, and then the students have to guess what the infant is thinking, to teach empathy. There was one kid in a class who was bigger than the rest because he'd been held back, been through the foster care system, seen his mom get killed. And he wanted to hold the baby. And the mom was nervous because he looked big and scary. But she let this kid, Darren, hold the baby. He held it, and he was great with it. He gave the baby back and started asking questions about parenthood. And his final question was, "If nobody has ever loved you, do you think you can be a good father?" And so what Roots of Empathy does is they reach down and they grab people out of the valley. And that's what weavers are doing.

有一位叫玛丽戈登的女士运营着“同理心种子方案”。他们集合一群八年级的孩子,找到一对母婴,并让这些学生猜婴儿在想些什么,由此来培育他们的同理心。课上有一个孩子,看起来比其别人都要大,他留了几级而且一向住在寄养家庭,他亲眼目睹了他母亲被杀。他想要抱抱这个婴儿。那个妈妈有些严重,由于男孩人高马大,有些吓人。但她仍让这个名叫达伦的男孩抱了婴儿。他抱着小孩,做得特别棒。他把孩子递还给了妈妈,开端问有关当爸爸妈妈的问题。他最终的问题是,“若从没有人爱过你,你还可能成为一个好父亲吗?”这便是“同理心种子方案”的力气,他们伸出援手,将人拉出低谷。这也是织网者所做的。

Some of them switch jobs. Some of them stay in their same jobs. But one thing is, they have an intensity to them. I read this -- E.O. Wilson wrote好日子 a great book called "Naturalist," about his childhood. When he was seven, his parents were divorcing. And they sent him to Paradise Beach in North Florida. And he'd never seen the ocean before. And he'd never seen a jellyfish before. He wrote, "The creature was astonishing. It existed beyond my imagination." He was sitting on the dock one day and he saw a stingray float beneath his feet. And at that moment, 怎么走出日子的低谷期?a naturalist was born in the awe and wonder. And he makes this observation: that when you're a child, you see animals at twice the size as you do as an adult. And that has always impressed me, because what we want as kids is that moral intensity, to be totally given ourselves over to something and to find that level of vocation. And when you are around these weavers, they see other people at twice the size as normal people. They see deeper into them. And what they see is joy.

他们中的一些人换了作业。另一些会待在同一个岗位上。但他们都有着相同的热心。我正在读--EO威尔森写的一本关于他幼年的书,叫《天然主义者》。他七岁时,他的爸爸妈妈要离婚。他们把他送到北佛罗里达的天堂滩。他从未见过海洋。没见过水母。他写道:“这种生物太惊讶了。它存在于我幻想力之外”。有天,他坐在码头上,看到一条魟鱼在他脚下游过。那一刻,在敬畏和惊讶中,一个天然主义者诞生了。他发现,当你是个孩子时,会把动物看作大人眼中两倍大。这打动了我,由于咱们所需的正是孩子一切的激烈品德感,让咱们彻底臣服于某物,找到那种使命感。当你身边围绕着这些织网者时,他们会将别人看作两倍大,他们看人更深,他们看到趣味。

On the first mountain of our life, when we're shooting for our career, we shoot for happiness. And happiness is good, it's the expansion of self. You win a victory, you get a promotion, your team wins the Super Bowl, you're happy. Joy is not the expansion of self, it's the dissolving of self. It's the moment when the skin barrier disappears between a mother and her child, it's the moment when a naturalist feels just free in nature. It's the moment where you're so lost in your work or a cause, you have totally self-forgotten. And joy is a better thing to aim for than happiness.

在人生榜首座大山上,咱们的作业刚刚起步时,咱们追逐的是美好感。美好感是不错,它是自我的胀大。你赢了一场战争,你升职了,你的部队赢得了超级碗,你很高兴。但趣味不是自我胀大,而是自我溶解。趣味存在于母亲和她孩子之间再无肌肤之隔时,趣味会在一个天然主义者在大天然中放飞自我时呈现。当你彻底沉浸在作业和作业中,趣味会在你忘乎自我时找到你。寻觅趣味比追逐美好更好。

I collect passages of joy, of people when they lose it. One of my favorite is from Zadie Smith. In 1999, she was in a London nightclub, looking for her friends, wondering where her handbag was. And suddenly, as she writes, "... a rail-thin man with enormous eyes reached across a sea of bodies for my hand. He kept asking me the same thing over and over, 'Are you feeling it?' My ridiculous heels were killing me, I was terrified that I might die, yet I felt simultaneously overwhelmed with delight that 'Can I Kick It?' should happen to be playing on this precise moment in the history of the world on the sound system, and it was now morphing into 'Teen Spirit.' I took the man's hand, the top of my head blew away, we danced, we danced, we gave ourselves up to joy."

我一向在搜集人们描绘趣味的文字。其间我最喜爱的是扎迪史密斯写的一段。1999年,她在伦敦的一家夜店,她一边寻觅她的的朋友,一边在找自己的手袋。她写道,“突然间,一个有着大眼睛的精瘦男人跳过人海,向我伸出手。他一遍遍地问我同一个问题,‘你感触到了吗?’我正受着高跟鞋的摧残,忧虑着我的人身安全,但一起,我心中充溢了高兴,由于‘CanIKickIt?’这首歌正好在人类前史的这个特定时间在这家夜店的音响中播出,现在,正渐渐渐进到‘TeenSpirit’这首歌。我握住了那个男人的手,我彻底被震住了,咱们不停地跳着舞,无比高兴”。

And so what I'm trying to describe is two different life mindsets. The first mountain mindset, which is about individual happiness and career success. And it's a good mindset, I have nothing against it. But we're in a national valley, because we don't have the other mindset to balance it. We no longer feel good about ourselves as a people, we've lost our defining faith in our future, we don't see each other deeply, we don't treat each other as well. And we need a lot of changes. We need an economic change and environmental change. But we also need a cultural and relational revolution. We need to name the language of a recovered society. And to me, the weavers have found that language.

所以说,我测验描绘的是两种日子方法。榜首种“爬山形式”有关个人美好和作业成功。我不对立这种价值观,由于它没什么问题。但咱们的国家正处在低谷中,正由于咱们短少另一种日子方法来保持平衡。咱们不再为自己感到高兴,咱们已失去了对未来的信仰,咱们不再与人往来颇深,咱们不再友善地对待别人。咱们急需改动。咱们需求经济和环境的改动。但咱们一起也需求文明和社会关系上的革新。咱们需求一种言语来描绘这个正在康复的社会。对我来说,织网者找到了这一言语。

My theory of social change is that society changes when a small group of people find a better way to live, and the rest of us copy them. And these weavers have found a better way to live. And you don't have to theorize about it. They are out there as community builders all around the country. We just have to shift our lives a little, so we can say, "I'm a weaver, we're a weaver." And if we do that, the hole inside ourselves gets filled, but more important, the social unity gets repaired.

我以为,社会改动在于一些人找到更好的日子方法,而其别人仿效。这些织网者现已找到了一个更好的日子方法。你无须将它理论化。他们作为集体的制作者遍及在这个国家的每个旮旯。咱们只需略微改动一下自己的日子,这样咱们就能说,“我是一个织网者,咱们都是织网者。”当咱们都这样做时,咱们心里的空无将被添补,更重要的是,整个社会将被修正。

Thank you very much.

谢谢。

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